another day another thousand deaths. one by one. motherfuck
so weak, just so weak ...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
24 hours
The last 24 hours were an intense period of lazy self loathing and change. Many events of interest came together as they always do on a three day weekend.
The hatred was intense. Hating myself makes me hate people. I always think they are doing the worst and thinking the worst, only because my self esteem is so low I make myself believe these things.
The drugs and the alcohol didn't help either.
It started amongst another halfhearted attempt at quitting cigarettes. A lofty pact made between a friend and I under the worst of influences was crashlanding.
I couldn't succeed at anything, I thought.
Work was falling apart around me. My circle of friends was steadily shrinking. I had no social value, no purpose, no lover.
And so the binge started. For me, the worst kind: Alcohol. Bourbon, mostly. On a mission to smoke my last two cigarettes, I found myself where I most feared yet desired to go. My grandfather's grave.
I found it easily enough. The engraving was a beacon that my eye just sort of homed in on. People were mourning, burying a body right across the street from the grave.
Dates are pretty powerful. I hadn't been there in six years.
I apologized for failing, for failing at everything. I cried.
That was the start of the binge, too. I had just woken up and started driving, a wreck from the night before. No food in me. Thank god there was no booze in me either. Just a bowl and a cigarette or two.
I found a place to eat, but it was 4 and dinner was five dollars more than lunch. Two strip malls down I found the Bar.
Had my last cigarette. No more left. Not gonna buy a pack. Smoked it right out front.
Lots of older women, tatted guy bartending. I love dive bars. Saddle up, count my eight bucks, get a bourbon and soda. Tip nice and suck it down.
No food in me yet, but one strong drink. I saw that guy pour it. Nice pour, man. Always get the mixed drinks. I mean, don't get a shot. Those come in finite glasses. Get on a bartender's good side, man. Order em "cut" with soda, in an old fashioned. Especially when you tip well and it's a dive bar.
Grab the second round, put it on the plastic. A drink and a beer, and notice something I've never been depressed enough to try: the dive bar buffet.
Two pieces of friend chicken, a roll, some carrots and my drinks later and I'm feeling great. Life goes on
Got a funny look buying a pack with a credit card. Cost me 25% just to put it on the damn thing.
And I'm home, drunk, watching sports like a true man. Fear in my heart from the grave, fear that can't be described, only related to.
The decent into drunkeness begins. Shots and beers later, I'm puking and passed out. This followed by 14 hours of bong hits to keep the hangover away leaves us at now. Today. Here.
The thing is what I wrote above is pretty much everything about me when you take into account the last few years. Which are, coincidentally, college. So that's basically who I am now, and there's no point in writing more about it.
Because this is about change. And who I am tomorrow and how that person is different from me today. And if that person is different, then none of what I wrote above applies. None of it.
So, let's go to sleep and wake up and do the good things in life. First, check the weather and go to the beach and the gym. Take care of personal business for an hour or so. Pick up some new clothes, wash the old ones, and stop by work to prepare for Tuesday. Maybe clean the room and freshen up.
Because you are a new person, James. You don't smoke cigarettes, or binge drink for no reason. You don't need weed to keep you entertained or happy. You aren't this sad of a person, and you have changed.
The hatred was intense. Hating myself makes me hate people. I always think they are doing the worst and thinking the worst, only because my self esteem is so low I make myself believe these things.
The drugs and the alcohol didn't help either.
It started amongst another halfhearted attempt at quitting cigarettes. A lofty pact made between a friend and I under the worst of influences was crashlanding.
I couldn't succeed at anything, I thought.
Work was falling apart around me. My circle of friends was steadily shrinking. I had no social value, no purpose, no lover.
And so the binge started. For me, the worst kind: Alcohol. Bourbon, mostly. On a mission to smoke my last two cigarettes, I found myself where I most feared yet desired to go. My grandfather's grave.
I found it easily enough. The engraving was a beacon that my eye just sort of homed in on. People were mourning, burying a body right across the street from the grave.
Dates are pretty powerful. I hadn't been there in six years.
I apologized for failing, for failing at everything. I cried.
That was the start of the binge, too. I had just woken up and started driving, a wreck from the night before. No food in me. Thank god there was no booze in me either. Just a bowl and a cigarette or two.
I found a place to eat, but it was 4 and dinner was five dollars more than lunch. Two strip malls down I found the Bar.
Had my last cigarette. No more left. Not gonna buy a pack. Smoked it right out front.
Lots of older women, tatted guy bartending. I love dive bars. Saddle up, count my eight bucks, get a bourbon and soda. Tip nice and suck it down.
No food in me yet, but one strong drink. I saw that guy pour it. Nice pour, man. Always get the mixed drinks. I mean, don't get a shot. Those come in finite glasses. Get on a bartender's good side, man. Order em "cut" with soda, in an old fashioned. Especially when you tip well and it's a dive bar.
Grab the second round, put it on the plastic. A drink and a beer, and notice something I've never been depressed enough to try: the dive bar buffet.
Two pieces of friend chicken, a roll, some carrots and my drinks later and I'm feeling great. Life goes on
Got a funny look buying a pack with a credit card. Cost me 25% just to put it on the damn thing.
And I'm home, drunk, watching sports like a true man. Fear in my heart from the grave, fear that can't be described, only related to.
The decent into drunkeness begins. Shots and beers later, I'm puking and passed out. This followed by 14 hours of bong hits to keep the hangover away leaves us at now. Today. Here.
The thing is what I wrote above is pretty much everything about me when you take into account the last few years. Which are, coincidentally, college. So that's basically who I am now, and there's no point in writing more about it.
Because this is about change. And who I am tomorrow and how that person is different from me today. And if that person is different, then none of what I wrote above applies. None of it.
So, let's go to sleep and wake up and do the good things in life. First, check the weather and go to the beach and the gym. Take care of personal business for an hour or so. Pick up some new clothes, wash the old ones, and stop by work to prepare for Tuesday. Maybe clean the room and freshen up.
Because you are a new person, James. You don't smoke cigarettes, or binge drink for no reason. You don't need weed to keep you entertained or happy. You aren't this sad of a person, and you have changed.
Friday, May 23, 2008
it's about time
i'm finally getting sick of who i am. coddled, sorry for myself, weak in many ways. like everyone else, i have strengths. they mean nothing without nourishment.
when your life has descended into a downward spiral, everything becomes easy. routine. do your thing. survive. and get those things you need.
wake up as late as possible. don't eat till lunch. live for the high you'll get when it's all over
no matter if it's drinking or smoking or drugs nothing will change the addictions for you. you have to change yourself. new habits, new routines, to become a new person. the person you are meant to be.
when your life has descended into a downward spiral, everything becomes easy. routine. do your thing. survive. and get those things you need.
wake up as late as possible. don't eat till lunch. live for the high you'll get when it's all over
no matter if it's drinking or smoking or drugs nothing will change the addictions for you. you have to change yourself. new habits, new routines, to become a new person. the person you are meant to be.
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